My shoulder is a ball of fire.
My teacher (Tai Chi) says it is collected energy that is not moving. I did a little work on getting the energy to move last night and jokingly said that when it moved I would probably have a nervous breakdown from all of the emotions that will be released. I thought grief, maybe sorrow, sadness all hard stuff. It's not grief I've learned....it's anger. Of course for me anger is probably 10 times harder than grief. I suppose if it wasn't it wouldn't be collecting in my shoulder, it would be out in the world. The unfortunate and fortunate thing is that it needs to be released, no matter the consequences. I'm reclaiming my shoulder and my life and so I guess I've got some work to do.
Anger has always been hard for me. Protection of myself came in the form of being really, really nice. Shrugging my shoulders (ah ha!) and saying "Hey that's okay, don't worry about it." In many ways I'm afraid to let it out because now I feel like I won't if be able to stop the deluge once it begins. But begin it must, terror be damned.
The really fascinating thing for me here is my body's ability to store emotion. It is so tangible right now, the pain, the work, the angry reaction. I can clearly see the line and it makes me wonder what else is stored in this body of mine.
Physiology is a fascinating thing.
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2 comments:
It makes me sad to see you write that you have to mask you anger with a smile. You are a real person who experiences a variety of emotions. Every feeling counts whether it is labeled good or bad. Anger dosen't make you a "bad" person or any less than great, just human.
Thank you for your comment. I have decided that I will take off the "mask" and let my feelings show. I think the anger I'm talking about here is old, old stuff.
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