The Greening of the land

Rain for two days and the world has transformed. The energy at this time of year is incredible. The rivers are foaming, spinning, pounding with a power beyond anything human, I can feel the air vibrate with this quivering pulse of LIFE, Life, life...

I can feel it surging in me in response. Glory.

The books feel old, dusty and heavy in comparison. In a way they too are life, but the energy is much more sedate. It makes me feel like getting out, out, out to dance and sing in the rain, twirl in the mud, stomp and shout.

Spring

Again Rumi:


"Today, like every other day, we wake up empty
and frightened. Don't open the door to the study
and begin reading. Take down a musical instrument.

Let the beauty we love be what we do.
There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground."
****
"The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don't go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you really want.
Don't go back to sleep.
People are going back and forth across the doorsill
where two worlds touch.
The door is round and open.
Don't go back to sleep."

The thing about Rumi for me is that he is so human. There is so much recognition of who I am in his words. We wake up "empty and frightened", there are so many kinds of awakening, but even in the literal one I often awake feeling this. I have to remind myself that I am good every morning, but at least I am AWAKE.

You must ask for what you really want. I must ask for what I really want. I must know what I really want. I must go after and work and fight and sweat for what I really want. It is clear that people are involved in what I really want. I must stay awake!

Wake up, kneel and kiss the ground!

The Green Haze

The green haze of Spring is upon us. It is a lovely time of year, as the rains come the brown landscape fades and is replaced with soft greens and the pinky reds of the budding hard wood trees. The bugs have not yet arrived and it is still cool enough in the evenings that the smell of woodsmoke lingers in the air. The peepers sing in the stillness and all is peaceful.

The daffodilias bloomed today.

All is well.

Energy and emotion

My shoulder is a ball of fire.

My teacher (Tai Chi) says it is collected energy that is not moving. I did a little work on getting the energy to move last night and jokingly said that when it moved I would probably have a nervous breakdown from all of the emotions that will be released. I thought grief, maybe sorrow, sadness all hard stuff. It's not grief I've learned....it's anger. Of course for me anger is probably 10 times harder than grief. I suppose if it wasn't it wouldn't be collecting in my shoulder, it would be out in the world. The unfortunate and fortunate thing is that it needs to be released, no matter the consequences. I'm reclaiming my shoulder and my life and so I guess I've got some work to do.

Anger has always been hard for me. Protection of myself came in the form of being really, really nice. Shrugging my shoulders (ah ha!) and saying "Hey that's okay, don't worry about it." In many ways I'm afraid to let it out because now I feel like I won't if be able to stop the deluge once it begins. But begin it must, terror be damned.

The really fascinating thing for me here is my body's ability to store emotion. It is so tangible right now, the pain, the work, the angry reaction. I can clearly see the line and it makes me wonder what else is stored in this body of mine.

Physiology is a fascinating thing.

Capitalism at it's finest

I used to have a 1997 Toyota Tacoma pickup truck. The day after I bought it for all of my pittance of a savings, I took it to get the exhaust fixed (yes I bought a truck that already needed to be fixed). They put it up on the lift and the frame broke. Devastation. I got the frame welded and tried to move on.

Three weeks ago I heard about the Toyota buyback for Tacoma's between '95 and '00. Toyota bought my truck back from me and gave me three times plus what I bought it for!! Elation.

Today I had a brand new 2008Toyota Tacoma delivered to my shop! I have never owned a brand new car and never expect to again, but let me tell you it is a sweet feeling. I'm not much of a consumer and I really believe in recycling, but I have to admit...I feel giddy.

In addition I am very grateful. I'll admit it, I cried tears of thankfulness the first (and only so far) time I drove it.

I can really see how buying new stuff becomes an addiction for people. It is a great feeling to own something new, never been used and yours. It certainly does make you feel high, I think this is why credit card debt in America, and from what I hear other countries, is so out of control. People just buy to make themselves feel good. Damn the consequences.

It is interesting to me that reaching this point of the story, I really want to justify myself to anyone reading this. I'll just tell you that I thought long and hard and leave it at that.

The Battle

I have to battle myself for myself all the time. What an interesting concept. I have so much going on in my brain that I have to fight to turn it off.

I am also noticing that sometimes I have to battle myself to be connected to other people. I really want that connection, as much as possible. It is terrifying. People are terrifying. They lie, steal, cheat, drain your energy...etc. But the truth is that I want them. Sometimes this "getting to know you" feels like a maze to be wound through, other times it is a battlefield a howling, clashing, screaming, bloody mess to be fought through and to survive. Perhaps this is not the most zen attitude, but it is my experience.

I have found too that after surviving that battle we are stronger.

I am thankful for the people in my life who have fought me for me and won. I am thankful for those I have fought for and won.

Business/Cha-Ching

Sometimes owning and running a business is difficult stuff. I get tired of trying to do all the financial stuff on my own. Sometimes I feel very alone. One of the difficulties is that in this American culture talking about money is quite taboo. I talk about my finances with people often and sometimes I feel that they are looking at me askance, but I have nothing to hide and I don't really think it is important enough to keep private.

Why all this privacy about money matters, why can't we just be candid? We all use money, earn it, inherit it, spend it...but there is so much shame, grief, and envy linked to it. Mostly these feelings come up when we don't have it. When I look at reality, really look at my world and what is important in it, I find that money isn't one of those things, but I worry about it a lot.

It is said that money is the root of all evil, I am more inclined to think that it is human reaction to money that is at the root. If we have it we are afraid someone will take it away from us or we are ashamed that we have so much. If we don't have it we want it and feel angry and jealous when others have it. What yucky feelings.

I hope for a world in which everyone can have enough. I know it sounds naive, but I do have that hope. We could give up all of the ill will generated by money, imagine how much happier we would be.