My Dog

It is interesting how one ties ones life to another creature. I have had a dog for thirteen years. She is dying of bone cancer and my heart is breaking. This is not a grief that one can share with others as if your child or your parent were dying. No she is not a child, but she is a spirit which I have shared my life with for many years. We know each other well, as with anything you live with for some time.

She has had a good dog life. She has never had a fence, never been chained, always allowed to sleep on the bed...in return she has given me so much...I will miss her. Just how much is something that only our family can understand.

The brain and the mind

I have decided that I have a quiet mind. The loud noisy instrument inside my head is actually my brain. My mind is what I use to listen with...whether it be literally listening to someones voice or listening to what is behind their voice. I am good at listening sometimes.

I am not good at listening when my brain is loud. There are many many times when I feel like I cannot THINK because my brain is busy with the mundane details of life OR cluttered up with emotions that feel out of my control. Sometimes I think if I could harness my brain I could expand my life 10 fold.


The mind seeks; the brain processes what the mind finds...

Quietness
Rumi
Inside this new love, die.
Your way begins on the other side.
Become the sky.
Take an axe to the prison wall.
Escape.
Walk out like someone suddenly born into color.
Do it now.
You are covered with thick cloud.
Slide out the side. Die,
and be quiet. Quietness is the surest sign
that you've died.
Your old life was a frantic running
from silence.

The speechless full moon
comes out now.

The difference a year can make.

I was looking back over the posts I've written because I've been plagued by a feeling that last year was so much better than this year. Silly, but I remember feeling an upwelling of physical and spiritual energy at this time last year. I couldn't do enough Tai chi and I felt the green, sap energy of the earth flowing in my veins. This year I am tired...so very tired.

I am searching for a reason for this difference and it eludes me. I keep seeking that earth energy, it too is eluding me. I am frustrated. I am doing Tai Chi more often than I have been of late, but it is not helping. Perhaps I am trying too hard. Maybe it is time to stop looking and sit back and just let it come. I hope so as that is the only plan I have left.

Last year Spring time was pure joy for me, this year it feel dusty and brown and depressing. I think maybe I need to spend some time out in the sun and the wind...just saying that I could feel a glimmer on the edge of my soul of something MORE...

A community

Today the day began with an interesting couple who had just escaped from Lubbock Texas. They themselves declared that they had escaped, they were doing some political work and felt like they had just escaped with their lives. They were so relieved to be in Vermont.

Later in the day my partner came by to visit and some neighbors. We were just talking and two customers, one regular and one person I didn't know, just jumped in and joined the conversation. It was lovely. Although I noticed that people feel helpless and there is a lot of anger directed at people who are not "enlightened" to the situation our world faces.

It was good that I was able to say to one woman that I think what is important to notice is that we still have the privilege and the opportunity to connect as human beings on a one to one basis. We can set aside political boundaries and beliefs and just be together. That is the glory of community.

It is good to belong to the human community in all it's glory and angst.

Some time has passed...

and I haven't written. I read something today and decided to just write and not wait for some kind of brilliant inspiration. Perhaps if I write I will be inspired. Is this writing something for myself or is it for you to read?? It should be for me only, but then why the public posting. Why do I crave public approval? Why do I see a moment of grace and feel the need to capture it in a photo to share, I always think I should absorb it and be satisfied. Maybe it is just another facet of longing for connection, linkage to other human beings, sharing moments of grace.

I hope so.

Language

I was thinking about language and stories today. I think we want our stories heard, we want other people and sometimes language gets in the way. I am never as eloquent on this blog as I am in my head when I'm thinking about what I want to say.

Sometimes in group situations it is like I am sitting outside of myself watching. Watching the people in the group maneuver around each other, almost warily. I often just want to command the situation and say everyone relax, let go, but that almost always backfires.

Arrrgghh this is not what I want to say. I'll try again tomorrow.

Today

Today has been a really good day. I went to my former school for Thanksgiving dinner with all the folks. It is good to see people and touch base with the young people, but really the best part of the day was saying Goodbye to a few people and just striding out the door with no regrets. It's been a long time coming, this guilt free feeling.

The store has been bustling with folks, some just dropping in to shake my hand and say, "Happy Thanksgiving." Lots of people have told me they are thankful that GMB is here and thriving. I try to tell them all with sincerity that I am thankful for them.

Here is some more JC (um...that would be Joseph Campbell not Jesus Christ!)

"To take a righteous attitude toward anything
is to denigrate it.

Awe is what moves us forward.

Eternity
is a dimension
of here and now.

The divine lies within you.

Live from your own center."